Nonviolent Communication Word Choice for "Expectations"
Nonviolent Communication (NVC), also known as Compassionate Communication, emphasizes expressing needs and observations without blame or judgment. The word "expectation" often carries a negative connotation, implying demand and potentially setting the stage for disappointment. Therefore, NVC suggests alternative phrasing that focuses on needs and requests, fostering connection and understanding.
Here's a breakdown of how to rephrase "expectations" in the framework of NVC:
Instead of saying: "I expect you to..." or "I have an expectation that..."
Try saying:
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"I need..." or "I would appreciate it if..." This shifts the focus from what you expect to what you need and clarifies your request. For example, instead of "I expect you to be on time," try "I need you to be on time so we can start the meeting efficiently" or "I would appreciate it if you could arrive on time for the meeting so we can get started promptly."
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"When I see/hear [observation], I feel [feeling] because I need [need]." This is the core structure of NVC, breaking down the situation into observable facts, your emotional response, and the underlying need that's being impacted. For example: "When I see the dishes piled in the sink (observation), I feel frustrated (feeling) because I need a clean and organized kitchen (need)." This avoids placing blame and focuses on the speaker's inner experience and needs.
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"I'm wondering if..." This phrasing creates an open invitation for conversation rather than issuing a directive. For example, instead of "I expect you to clean your room," try "I'm wondering if you might be willing to clean your room?"
Addressing Underlying Needs:
Often, "expectations" stem from unmet needs. Understanding these needs is crucial for effective NVC. Instead of focusing on what others should do, focus on your own needs and make clear requests. Here are some needs commonly associated with "expectations":
- Security: "I need to feel secure that the project will be completed on time."
- Connection: "I need to feel connected to you; therefore, I would appreciate regular check-ins."
- Respect: "I need to feel respected; therefore, I would appreciate it if you could keep your commitments."
- Efficiency: "I need to be efficient; therefore, timely responses are essential."
- Cooperation: "I need your cooperation to finish this project successfully."
Example:
Let's say you have the "expectation" that your partner will help with chores. In NVC, you might say:
"When I see a pile of dirty dishes in the sink (observation), I feel overwhelmed and stressed (feeling) because I need help with household chores (need). Would you be willing to help me clean up tonight (request)?"
This approach avoids blame, fosters empathy, and increases the likelihood of a positive and cooperative response. Remember, the goal is not to control others but to clearly express your needs and requests while respecting their autonomy.
